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10:56 PM

innocent always

10:56 PM

innocent always

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZvyEN-3yXY

I'm starting to do this whole post music with blog thing so that all of you will know my state of mind better at the time of the post. The music I am listening to at the moment I am writing heavily affects what I say, so maybe this will help you all better understand me.

The song I am listening to right now is called a little pain, and it was written and composed by Olivia Lufkin. If you would like to hear it, I posted it here.

Last night was a nice night.

Even though I realized just how soon we will be torn apart from each other.
You let me hold you.

You let me know you're there.

Even though you wouldnt hold me back, I still felt your presence. You told me there was no need to worry, but I cannot imagine not having you there.

I really do love you.

For who you are.

I love you because you know me better than anyone else.
I love you because you are like me.

I love you because you are everything I've dreamed of.

Even if you dont feel the same, its ok.

I know youll always be there for me, and I'll always be there for you.

And I know one day youll find someone else, who youll truly and deeply love, and youll start a family, and forget about me.

But you'll be engraved in my mind as the first person I truly had feelings for.

The person I truly knew inside and out, and the person who truly could read my soul.

I really wish we wouldnt have to leave each other like this soon.

I hope you have the best and most happiest life possible.

I wish you nothing but the best

and if you ever get tired of flapping your wings, then you can come to me, wherever I may be, and I'll help you.

Its funny too.

People talk, you know?

About you, and you dont care what they say.

People can be so cruel.

But I'll always be here, waiting for you.

And no matter what the future brings, I'll never forget you.

So lets these few months we have left count.

10:37 PM

innocent always

I feel bad for hurting you like I do.

But I go through a lot more pain than you ever do.

You have everything.

And what do I have?

Nothing anymore.

I have given it all to you.

You're so much more better than me.

I cannot compete with you.

I really do love you

but you never loved me.

11:08 PM

innocent always

I wish I could do something worthwhile.

I wish I could sing.

Not professionally, just decently to where people wouldnt mind.

And I could sing all I want.

I wish I would not feel such pain.

I wish you could love me

And hold me

and tell me that everything is going to be ok

But you cant.

And you never will.

You will never be waiting for me.

Always laughing with me...and dreaming of the life you could have if it were not for me

I will grant you this gift in due time.

9:46 PM

innocent always

You know, it is a shame how so few many people know me.

I'd like to share this thing with my English class, but I cannot because it is so dumb. It can't compare to how great everyone else's is. Mine doesnt make sense and would just freak people out.

I never do anything right.

Im not strong at all.

When did I become so negative?


When did I become so weak?

9:19 PM

innocent always

Hmm.

Today was good.

An average day...

Though I cannot keep my inferiority at bay.

It becomes more evident with each day.

I cannot control it.

Ah, Im so breaking down.

Sinking...

sinking....

s i n k i n g . . .

9:11 PM

innocent always

Tonight is very nostalgic.

The end is getting close.

That only means our end is getting close.

I don't want it to end.

I don't want that night to come where we must say goodbye.

I remember we made a promise...

but when that day comes, it will be broken.

I am sorry.

At least you'll be happier right?

I can go on knowing that.

Knowing that you are happy.

You're happy. You'll be happy.

Be happy for me.

So I can remember you like that in my heart.

I'll always remember you as a kindhearted person who took care of me.

Even if it was not like I expected.

Heh. You just smiled.

It hurts, but in a good way.

I wish I could trade my family.

I wish it wasn't like this.

I know that soon I'll start seeing you less and less, and then never again.

And I'll have left are the fragments of the memories, shattered in my hand.

9:51 PM

innocent always

Today was an okay day.

I dont know what I should do.


child of the sun

It started out ok. Everything was fine. I was happy. In Health we took a bitchy test and in physics we started sound and light by playing with tuning forks.

In English we talked about pie orgies. Christa is very knowledgeable about these.

Pre Cal was fun as usual.

World history we read a document about black liberators.

American History. What do you think? Nothing.


changing with the sky
sakura shy
december clouds cry

I cant shake off that feeling that that old man is controlling who is important and who is not. Its like if you dont succeed in his class, you suck at life.

And of course, I dont succeed.

I mean I dont do bad, but compared to everyone else, I do terrible.

So once again, my inferiority is proven.

illuminous light illuminate me
play me a symphony
dance with me

I dim out as usual. I become cut so to speak, and bleed all over the place.
I cant help it if I am hated.
I dont know.
After school, I didn't know what to say. I knew that if I spoke, I would speak terrible things, so I felt it would better to be quiet than say anything at all.

child of the moon
changing with the tide
up and down
the seashore sidestyle="font-style:italic;">

So I was pretty much depressed the rest of the day.

I took a long walk.

I dont understand whats so good

about being me

Im inferior

im not good enough

And I never will be.

9:36 PM

innocent always

How come every time I reach into the sky, I find nothing?

I reach into the sky searching for something, and I all I get is a starless night.

I realized that no matter how hard I try, it will never be enough.

I will always be inferior.

To you.

I hate that.

I hate how you are better than me in everything.

I hate how the school values you more than me.

I hate it all.

I hate it when you are not around.

I hate it when you are around.

I hate it when I have to scream to get your attention.

I hate it when I cry because you try and make things better, and it only makes it worse.

I hate how I am a second class student.

I hate how my best is not enough.

I hate how I am challenging myself and struggling and taking the hard path while others take the easy path and are shining and brilliant.

Where are the rewards?

I hate how I am alone.

I hate how my dreams never come true.

I hate how everyone lies to me.

I hate how everyone rapes me.

I hate how I am bleeding inside.

I hate how emo I am acting.

All I want is to be protected.

Someone protect me

Someone save me from myself

Someone hold me and tell me everything is ok.

Tell me I am not flawed.

Tell me I can do this.

Please.

Save me from this starless night and cloudy world I live in.

10:56 PM

innocent always